There's Healthy Boundaries, and then There's Love.

I thought I knew all about healthy boundaries. I thought I knew where to draw the line as to how I will be treated vs. how I *won't* be treated. I wasn't gonna settle anymore! Yay, me!

Right?

I studied co-dependence. I studied 'healthy, conscious relationships'. I worked eagerly on healing the co-dependent tendencies in me. I did my homework; I read all the books ... about 'being enmeshed' in relationship (yuk!), vs. being in a 'good, healthy, conscious partnership' (yay!). I learned how to discern when it was "my stuff" coming up, vs. "your stuff", coming up. To not take it so personally. 

And not just for myself! For others, too. I got so talented at advocating for "healthy boundaries" with my life-coaching clients and with my good friends that I became pretty well-known for holding such a clear line. For my clarity: 

"Get out! Leave this relationship, now! You deserve better!" was my battle cry. And I proclaimed it with everyone. 

So proud of myself, I was, for how far I had come, given the typically codependent relationships I witnessed in my adult years. Pat myself on the back! 

And I wanted all my cherished friends to *also* proclaim such clear boundaries, for their own sakes.

But then I fell in love. Deeply, devotedly, in love. {sigh}.

And in the blink of an eye, my alleged "standards" about 'what I would put up with', - what level of bad behavior I was willing to tolerate, - and what I wasn't, shifted. Dramatically.

I had seen things as 'so black-'n-white', before. But now it started to dawn on me that there are several shades of grey, in between.

Because love - LOVE - that irrefutable, inimitable force, showed up in my life. And you can't help who you love, as they say. Nope - ya can't.

So, despite all previous training, despite any experience I'd had with keeping myself 'safe' and independent, I just LOVED. With all my heart. With all my soul. I gave it everything. Boundaries, be gone!

Suddenly my feeble attempts at self-protection no longer mattered. This thing, this partnership - this amazing and interesting and handsome person in front of me -suddenly mattered way more to me than any previous model at maintaining my highly-coveted independence. Love, and loving him, and serving 'Us', became more important than keeping myself safe. I was willing to face whatever being-in-love brought to the surface.  And face it together!

So, I went for it. I moved in. To his house. And tolerated extreme discomfort. To say the least! 

I let myself experience the whole gamut of "triggers", of fight-or-flight activations:  "I'm not good enough" came up for me, along with "What's wrong with me that I'm not lovable?" What had happened, what had changed, since our magical auspicious beginnings?

Ugh! Ever been there? (Rolling my eyes). 

LOVE itself was now demanding a higher accountability of me. It didn't care that I wanted to stay safe, nor independent, nor free. 

It wanted me - begged me, in fact - to shift my perspective: to see what it meant to remain constant in my love, despite being on the receiving end of 'bad behavior', like when his shadow-side reared its ugly head; when his fears got the best of him - despite his big, wonderful heart that I knew lie underneath these behaviors - and blamed me disproportionately for the glitches in our relationship.

I found myself on the receiving end of his criticism and fault-finding. Ouch! Could I remain devoted, in the face of such harshness? Despite it? Yikes!!

Could I remain devoted to him and to this magical beautiful 'Us' for a bigger reason? For a higher, more divine experience? Much like Rumi, with his undying devotion to The Beloved. This person, this Beloved, was now in my life to teach me that sometimes there is something deeper going on, despite my little human self and my little human fears. Even when I couldn't see it; even when it didn't fit my afore-to-ascribed boundaries. Even when it seemed hurtful. Could I just STAY? And be present, with the triggers, with the fears, with the difficult parts? Could I just keep breathing, and face it? And not turn away?

So - in a nutshell- I have recognized that Love weaves a "horizontal" line in our lives, like a thread in a beautiful tapestry; it presents a certain steadfastedness, a constancy. An unwavering thread, (from left-to-right is how I see it), rather than the more 'vertical' connection to above-and-below. That's easy, that spiritual thing; connecting 'up', connecting with God. Check.

...but the human connection? The grounded, practical, real life, mundane, day-to-day, living-together, horizontal thing? That's harder. More personal. More in-your-face.

The good news from this is what I learned: that I do, indeed, *want* that thread. That love. That constancy. 

That connection that remains strong and doesn't waver, despite any daily missteps and miscommunications. 

I want that sense of knowing that whatever 'we' go through, day in and day out, up/down/

up/down, is all just serving a grander scheme, a bigger, broader purpose. That our dedication to each other is not just about the two of us, one-plus-one-equals-two... but rather, is part of weaving a bigger tapestry that is more than the sum of its parts. To keep weaving that thread, to continue to serve something greater than just the two of us: the Divine. 

An idea by which I am both humbled and inspired.

So, forget those black-n-white boundaries to which I had previously held! I'd rather have the long-term constancy of dedicated Love - even with the effort that such dedication requires, even with the journey into dark places to which it may take Us - because I want to serve Love. I'm ready. 

Are you ready? 

It doesn't require that you are 'perfect', nor 'done', with your work on yourself; it just requires that you are (1) willing and (2) courageous. Willing and courageous enough to face it. Face it all. 

You're either in, or you're out.

I'm in.

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