Hi Marianne-
THANK YOU, for all your 'dancing on tables' to help us wake up. I appreciate you, and the Monday night Live Streams. I used to listen to you on cassette tapes! And now I've found you again. I look forward to every Monday night lecture.
Do I do the Course? I've ordered the book, so I will be "doing it", soon. And yes, I *do* have a morning meditation practice.
So.
Two weeks ago, you gave a very powerful talk about Special Relationships, and about the ego's attempts to control everything.
And there was a woman in the audience who came to the mic during the Q&A Segment-- and asked the exact same question *I* would have asked, were I at the Sabin that night:
"I have a crush on a co-worker; we've been out three times; I wish he would make a move, but he hasn't yet. I'm impatient; I feel like saying 'either you want it or you don't'".
I'm in the same position, with a co-worker (he's not married); we've been out 3 times (plus a "fourth", if you count me-picking-him-up-at-the-airport-last-night and giving him a ride home); it's "just friends" so far, yet we each "light up" and are delighted to see each other, both at work (hugging right in front of the boss!) and in our private get-togethers. So yes, there's "energy here", between he and I. Not a bad place to be, as you said! It's yummy.
And Yes, it would be "ok", professionally, if he and I were Together; so that's *not* a barrier. But - true - as you said to that woman, he might be "thinking about it"/ going slow, because we do work together-- which makes me trust him even more (as you said).
So I'm trying to let it unfold slowly; I'm working on being patient. I feel so ready for a partner, and yet I know that you/The Course said, "Don't be attached to any specific outcome". So I try to just stay in a grateful, humble place, when I'm with him (like last night, when I picked him up at the airport, and had him in my car for a solid 40-minute drive to his house). Trying to stay in the present, be grateful for the joy he elicits within me; no attachment to outcome. Letting him make the moves; not texting him "just because I want to". Not the sugar rush, but instead, hopefully, the longer-haul more-sustainable long-burning fire of devotion and shared intentions and walking each other To God.
But: herein lies my question-- I feel SO MUCH energy, between "us", and "in my body", when I'm with him - and even when I just think about him. It's such a delight, to be near him; we laugh, we are easy, we are caring, he is considerate and kind and sweet. Something about 'him' is clearly already 'healing me'. What a gift!
And I HEARD YOU give that woman a prayer , a practice to apply: Dear God, may I only have appetites that serve the situation; may he..." And "Dear God, I surrender this relationship to YOUR divine unfolding, to YOUR divine Plan - rather than mine/my ego's. I surrender it all to you". Which I am saying now, several times a day. Especially after the "electricity" and warmth of being with him last night (airport pickup).
I give it up, I give it up, I give it up.
And, as you also said: Dear God, you KNOW that in this area of 'romance' and 'affection', that I am the most neurotic- so please help me, show me, use me. Please help me be more calm, more stable, less needy/clingy, less excited (?), when I'm with him". Where would you have me go, what would you have me do/say, and WHOM would you have me LOVE?" [my addition, obviously].
But. BUT--- The big difference between myself and said audience lady is that there is a rather significant age-difference in my situation. He's 29 to my 46. And I don't KNOW if he knows exactly how old I am. Maybe he asked a co-worker? Or maybe he thinks I'm 35, which is what most people think when they meet me. He looks 35, I look 35. Yet there's an age gap, on paper...
Personally, I don't find the age thing a barrier: love is love. And it's pretty rare/special to HAVE that energy between you (as you said!). So I'm all kinds of willing to *go* for it. I have a very courageous nature, and have taken many a risk for love.
But I don't know how HE will feel, once he knows exactly how much older I am. And I don't in fact KNOW, if he's interested in me, romantically. Maybe I'm just a new friend who's super-fun to be with?
My question: what do I DO, while I'm "waiting for him to call". [I'm trying to stay in my feminine here: take bubble baths, let him initiate, don't text him first, don't be TOO available. This is new for me [to not just impulsively text him whenever I feel like it]; but I'm finally getting it, about how much better and more appropriate/effective/sexy/alluring it is, when the man is allowed the space in which to contemplate how he feels, and then
'hunt' or 'chase'. I've studied David Deida a bit, so I have a basic comprehension of this "let the masculine BE in its masculine! Wait for it!"
In fact, his name in my phone isn't his actual name; rather, it's "Wait For It". To remind me to slow down, before I reactively text him back. Ha!
So what do I DO, with all the energy that's running in my body, after seeing him last night, and the other sweet memories from when we've interacted.
What do I do, instead of compulsively needing to express it (text him, grab him, tell him how wonderful I think he is). How do I replace the white-sugar-response, with one that's more sustainable/ mysterious/ intriguing/ build-a-solid-foundation?
I know you're going to say "Surrender it to God"-- with which I'm totally down. I give it up, regularly. Like every 10 minutes at this point!
But there's STILL some thought-forms that scream loudly for satisfaction, for quick fulfillment: the not-knowing if he's attracted to me (it's just huggy-friends right now); the not-knowing if he would consider BEING with a woman who is pretty much a 'cougar' to his cub, as they say;", in terms of woman in their 40s who date younger men. I DON'T want to be his "Mother". (!) Yet I feel strongly like I want to take care of him, to support him in becoming his fullest, richest, most divinely developed self. And I love the way he truly "focuses on me", when he's with me. Seems pretty mature and attentive.
So what do I do, during those hours in between hearing from him? Besides the bubble baths that you have recommended?What do I *say* to myself, to be "careful" about not getting my heart broken ((fear that he will eventually tell me he's "not interested in me THAT way")). I have a pretty open heart, and am a big risk-taker as I mentioned; yet I also know how costly and arduous it is, to have to *recover* from a love that ends. I'm trying to remember how you said to that audience-woman, "Stay in your feminine, and if he's NOT IT, then another one will show up". I'm trying to stay somewhat detached. Hard.
So how do I "balance" the two: letting myself be washed over by the love/joy/playfulness/
healing that takes place inside me when I'm with him, vs holding back a little bit because he might not be into me that way and I don't really want to have to recover from an ending/disappointment
yet again. I wish now for a partnership that is truly sustainable; yet how do you ask God for that, with you're not supposed to wish for specific outcomes?
Thank you and blessings!
