So. Big night for me. Just spent two hours talking with Johnny. In person. On the same park bench where he first kissed me, exactly one year ago today.

I was surprised that he came; but maybe he needed "closure" as much as I did? We talked about everything ... I told him about the idea of "twin flames".. Told him that it's when ONE SOUL splits in to two. Told him that I believe this twin flame idea, and that that's WHY I put up with being with him with NO commitment, for so many months. Told him about how Twin Flames are supposed to do "big work" to help the planet heal. Told him about what it means to "be of service"-- to God, to humanity, to peace, to love.

He asked me to explain what that means. What does it mean to "serve"? I said that it means to walk with an open heart. To try to use uplifting words in any interaction with another person; to also forgive, even when it's really hard to do so. 

He said that on one hand he has this great love for humanity; yet at the same time, he sees himself as pretty selfish. (Those were his exact words). I punched him in the shoulder and said "Yeah! I'll agree to THAT"! Lol. Ha ha, selfish yes.

But I also said, "Johnny, underneath it all, you have a very pure heart. A heart of gold". I said, even though you might be going through a selfish plase right now, you have a genuinely good soul.

I told him that the twin flame idea is WHY I put up with so much that I didn't agree with: like him sleeping with me for four months, yet with no commitment, no strings attached. Told him that normally I have better boundaries and am NOT codependent-- but I overrode those parameters because I believed he was my twin flame. And that we were meant to be together.

He said yeah, I can see what you mean - it was like we were SUPPOSED to come together. To be together.

Uh-HUH. Yup.

Then I told him about how I see his math genius as a gift to the planet; that I understand his beautiful genius brain better than anybody else ever will. That I see how he loves math so much that to him, doing math and creating math formulas is like his communion with god. That to me, whenever he talked about his math classes, it was like listening to him pray. It felt like he was truly talked in to Source.

I gave him a print out of a photograph of us. The one where we are kissing at Kua Bay (my favorite picture of us). And I gave him a lighter, and said Now put it up in flames; it's over now, say goodbye.

He took a while to think about it. Then he said no, he didn't want to burn that picture. 

So then I said Well, a person can do Ritual any way they want to; so you can customize it so that it works for you. So if you don't want to burn that picture, you could burn something else - maybe something that you write down.

He seemed to like that idea. So I gave him a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote something down (I don't know what he wrote), and then he burned it, in total silence and with quite a bit of reverence.

I said, "Goodbye, to whatever you wrote on that paper. I commend you for the courage to burn/ let go of whatever it is that you just let go of". I didn't pry. Didn't ask what it said. 

We talked on and on, about twin flames, about some of the sweetest times we had together, about how he remembered when I lost my earring (while he was kissing me) and then went back and found it again the next day.

We talked about his current computer clssss and the job he has. We talked about movies we both like, songs we hear that remind us of each other.

We talked about my job at delta airlines (because he asked how it was going). We talked about the whole big universe and what it means to be one little human trying to make this planet a better place. 

I gave him the sage, already lit, and he knew what to do with it (because he has experienced me "sage'ing him" when we were together). I watched him sage / cleanse himself , and thought to myself, "ok Tina, it's time for you to find somebody else, cuz this sage ceremony is certainly going to clear the energy / finally cut the cord, between you two".

And yet all the while, throughout these two hours of sharing and honesty and funny moments and sweetness, I was thinking to myself, "really? We are not together? Look at how beautiful, how easy, this is, Johnny!"

I even told him about how the class I'm currently taking at the university gave me a homework assignment of writing a "dear John" letter to "something I need to let go of". And I brought that letter with me, and ended up reading it to him. So, I read him his OWN "dear Johnny" letter. Ha! Talk about timing. Ironic, yes. The universe works in funny ironic ways sometimes. 

And then I said goodbye and walked away. Yes I could have invited him over-- I had made the bed and cleaned up the kitchen earlier, "in case" he ended up coming to stay the night. I guess I wanted that.

But it was so clear that it was time for me to FINALLY walk away, withOUT inviting him to spend the night (and I didn't want to be "predictable"). So I just hugged him, and then got in my car. And left. I wanted to text him, soon as I got home, and say ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE GAMES! LETS JUST BE TOGETHER! 

But I didn't.

Oh and by the way -- the only thing he said that gave me ANY "proof" that he DID HAVE a lot of feelings for me, wheh we were together, was when I told him about twin flames and how "intense" it can get--- because of the sexual intensity, because of the spiritual higher purpose to such a union. And he said, "Yeah, that's one thing that I *do* remember clearly, is that the WHOLE REASON I HAD TO PULL AWAY was because it was too intense. I couldn't handle it".

And I laughed (nicely) and said, oh Johnny, I couldn't handle it either! It was SO intense, yes I felt that too-- but the BIG DIFFERENCE between you and I was that I CHOSE to dive into that intensity DEEPER, whereas YOU chose to pull away. But we were both feeling the same thing; the same level of intensity. We just had "opposite reactions" to it. "

Ugh!!! I wish he could choose to say, "Yes it's intense, Tina, and it scares the shit out of me-- but now I'm willing to dive INTO it, rather than run AWAY from it". But he's not saying that.

So.( I'll bring this to a close, now). 

Big night for me. I'm not crying yet, cuz I'm too focused on writing this email (and "capturing" what just happened). Yet I'm sure I will be doing some crying over this whole sad sweet bittersweet ending, sometime soon. 

Honestly that was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. Sheeeeet. 

We even talked about how great the sex was, between us!!!! Argh. 

Thanks for reading this. I don't know how there could ever POSSIBLY be a greater Love for me than THIS ONE. But I'm gonna try to keep my heart open to finding it. Cuz it certainly isn't Johnny. :/

Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Xo Tina