Mind the Gap --

I kid myself that I am merely "minding a gap".

That I am "tending" a finite chunk of time, a specific time defined as The Time Between Knowing Him [being with him] and Knowing Him Again [being with him again]. 

It's the space between our first time together (for several months, not just a brief moment), and our being together again, in the future. 

{Snort!} As if that second part is gonna happen. NOT! 

In England, the signage says Mind the Gap when you are down in the subway tubes and about to step on to the train.

The gap is that uber-risky expanse between you, on your oh-so-safe concrete platform, and the train.

And, also in Europe, there is another connotation of the word "gap":  the year between high school and college, the proverbial Gap Year--  during which you embark upon an adventure, you go see the world.  

So I study the Twin Souls theories, and I find, similarly to this gap idea, that there is typically a 'separation phase' which the Twin Souls will and must endure.

But frankly, I'm not a big fan of this 'separation phase' thing. I want it now. I am ready (so me thinks); I don't want to wait. I have not the constitution to withstand such a dramatic separation phase nor to be patient with "waiting for him to come back to me". Nope. No way. I have too much self-respect, right?!?!

So I should just move on.

Yet, in my grieving (which I thought was done yet keeps popping up to surprise me with sudden tears and deep sadness), I find myself *hoping* that this is merely a "gap"; that we are NOT done. That we *will* meet again and reconcile, and then move forward. Better than we were, and with more of that juiciness and sincerity that we had at that oh-so-beautiful beginning time.

Obviously, I'm in what they call the "denial stage" of the grief process. I know in my head that I need to move on, need to stop thinking about "him" and stop wishing he would find his way back to me, to the heart-connection we once shared. 

Or else, (if I were in the Acceptance Phase of the grief process), I would be writing now about something completely different. Like, my canoe-paddling race that I had, earlier today; or the wonderful evening I spent with friends, just last night.

But I'm not writing about those things, am I?

No. I'm writing (and thinking, and feeling) about Him. Still. Every day, every night, I'm feeling "him", I'm feeling "us". I'm referencing past conversations with him in every other conversation I now have. Damn it! Stop the madness.

It's as if every reference point I have still centers around "him". Places I drive by, remind me of him. Thoughts I have about stupid little things like taking a hot shower or listening to certain music, all have to do with "him", in my brain. It's as if he is still there, still here. Like I'm still having the relationship, even though the relationship is OVER. 

I am shocked by how relentless the remembrances of "him" and "us" are. I could have sworn I was more "done" with all that than my thoughts indicate now.

Surely I am ready to shake this; my former world, my previous identity as "I'm-with-him", he-is-my-guy.

Surely I know in my head that it is time to move on. In all capital letters, like on a giant marquee:  "M O V E  O N, Tina! It's time, girl!"

Yet here I am, still musing on what we had, still referencing internally all those little and big reminders of "him", as I walk through my daily life. Ugh!

...I had no idea that the grieving process was so circuitous, so convoluted, so haphazard.

One minute I'm fine and the next hour I'm shedding tears, missing him (despite his harshly judgmental words to me in our final talks, which my intellect remembers but my heart ignores). I can be totally focused on a specific task (like, paddling as part of a crew in an intense regatta race), yet then find myself pondering what HE would say about the race, as soon as we cross the finish line. 

But it's all totally pointless... all these rememberings and all the warm-hearted welcomes I would have to any communiques from him, are going to get me nowhere. 

Because he's not going to call, he's not going to make amends. It's over. And I need to see that. And stop thinking so much about what we could have, were we to give it another shot. 

{sigh}. 

I have learned SO much, about what I did "wrong", with this last relationship. And I would give a LOT, to get a chance to apply what I've learned, and try again.

But that chance will not come. He is done. And not contacting me.