So. Big night for me. Just spent two hours talking with Johnny. In person. On the same park bench where he first kissed me, exactly one year ago today.

I was surprised that he came; but maybe he needed "closure" as much as I did? We talked about everything ... I told him about the idea of "twin flames".. Told him that it's when ONE SOUL splits in to two. Told him that I believe this twin flame idea, and that that's WHY I put up with being with him with NO commitment, for so many months. Told him about how Twin Flames are supposed to do "big work" to help the planet heal. Told him about what it means to "be of service"-- to God, to humanity, to peace, to love.

He asked me to explain what that means. What does it mean to "serve"? I said that it means to walk with an open heart. To try to use uplifting words in any interaction with another person; to also forgive, even when it's really hard to do so. 

He said that on one hand he has this great love for humanity; yet at the same time, he sees himself as pretty selfish. (Those were his exact words). I punched him in the shoulder and said "Yeah! I'll agree to THAT"! Lol. Ha ha, selfish yes.

But I also said, "Johnny, underneath it all, you have a very pure heart. A heart of gold". I said, even though you might be going through a selfish plase right now, you have a genuinely good soul.

I told him that the twin flame idea is WHY I put up with so much that I didn't agree with: like him sleeping with me for four months, yet with no commitment, no strings attached. Told him that normally I have better boundaries and am NOT codependent-- but I overrode those parameters because I believed he was my twin flame. And that we were meant to be together.

He said yeah, I can see what you mean - it was like we were SUPPOSED to come together. To be together.

Uh-HUH. Yup.

Then I told him about how I see his math genius as a gift to the planet; that I understand his beautiful genius brain better than anybody else ever will. That I see how he loves math so much that to him, doing math and creating math formulas is like his communion with god. That to me, whenever he talked about his math classes, it was like listening to him pray. It felt like he was truly talked in to Source.

I gave him a print out of a photograph of us. The one where we are kissing at Kua Bay (my favorite picture of us). And I gave him a lighter, and said Now put it up in flames; it's over now, say goodbye.

He took a while to think about it. Then he said no, he didn't want to burn that picture. 

So then I said Well, a person can do Ritual any way they want to; so you can customize it so that it works for you. So if you don't want to burn that picture, you could burn something else - maybe something that you write down.

He seemed to like that idea. So I gave him a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote something down (I don't know what he wrote), and then he burned it, in total silence and with quite a bit of reverence.

I said, "Goodbye, to whatever you wrote on that paper. I commend you for the courage to burn/ let go of whatever it is that you just let go of". I didn't pry. Didn't ask what it said. 

We talked on and on, about twin flames, about some of the sweetest times we had together, about how he remembered when I lost my earring (while he was kissing me) and then went back and found it again the next day.

We talked about his current computer clssss and the job he has. We talked about movies we both like, songs we hear that remind us of each other.

We talked about my job at delta airlines (because he asked how it was going). We talked about the whole big universe and what it means to be one little human trying to make this planet a better place. 

I gave him the sage, already lit, and he knew what to do with it (because he has experienced me "sage'ing him" when we were together). I watched him sage / cleanse himself , and thought to myself, "ok Tina, it's time for you to find somebody else, cuz this sage ceremony is certainly going to clear the energy / finally cut the cord, between you two".

And yet all the while, throughout these two hours of sharing and honesty and funny moments and sweetness, I was thinking to myself, "really? We are not together? Look at how beautiful, how easy, this is, Johnny!"

I even told him about how the class I'm currently taking at the university gave me a homework assignment of writing a "dear John" letter to "something I need to let go of". And I brought that letter with me, and ended up reading it to him. So, I read him his OWN "dear Johnny" letter. Ha! Talk about timing. Ironic, yes. The universe works in funny ironic ways sometimes. 

And then I said goodbye and walked away. Yes I could have invited him over-- I had made the bed and cleaned up the kitchen earlier, "in case" he ended up coming to stay the night. I guess I wanted that.

But it was so clear that it was time for me to FINALLY walk away, withOUT inviting him to spend the night (and I didn't want to be "predictable"). So I just hugged him, and then got in my car. And left. I wanted to text him, soon as I got home, and say ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE GAMES! LETS JUST BE TOGETHER! 

But I didn't.

Oh and by the way -- the only thing he said that gave me ANY "proof" that he DID HAVE a lot of feelings for me, wheh we were together, was when I told him about twin flames and how "intense" it can get--- because of the sexual intensity, because of the spiritual higher purpose to such a union. And he said, "Yeah, that's one thing that I *do* remember clearly, is that the WHOLE REASON I HAD TO PULL AWAY was because it was too intense. I couldn't handle it".

And I laughed (nicely) and said, oh Johnny, I couldn't handle it either! It was SO intense, yes I felt that too-- but the BIG DIFFERENCE between you and I was that I CHOSE to dive into that intensity DEEPER, whereas YOU chose to pull away. But we were both feeling the same thing; the same level of intensity. We just had "opposite reactions" to it. "

Ugh!!! I wish he could choose to say, "Yes it's intense, Tina, and it scares the shit out of me-- but now I'm willing to dive INTO it, rather than run AWAY from it". But he's not saying that.

So.( I'll bring this to a close, now). 

Big night for me. I'm not crying yet, cuz I'm too focused on writing this email (and "capturing" what just happened). Yet I'm sure I will be doing some crying over this whole sad sweet bittersweet ending, sometime soon. 

Honestly that was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. Sheeeeet. 

We even talked about how great the sex was, between us!!!! Argh. 

Thanks for reading this. I don't know how there could ever POSSIBLY be a greater Love for me than THIS ONE. But I'm gonna try to keep my heart open to finding it. Cuz it certainly isn't Johnny. :/

Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Xo Tina 

A Course in Miracles / Letter to Marianne Williamson: self exploration.

Hi Marianne-

THANK YOU, for all your 'dancing on tables' to help us wake up. I appreciate you, and the Monday night Live Streams. I used to listen to you on cassette tapes! And now I've found you again. I look forward to every Monday night lecture.

Do I do the Course?  I've ordered the book, so I will be "doing it", soon. And yes, I *do* have a morning meditation practice. 

So.

Two weeks ago, you gave a very powerful talk about Special Relationships, and about the ego's attempts to control everything.

And there was a woman in the audience who came to the mic during the Q&A Segment--  and asked the exact same question *I* would have asked, were I at the Sabin that night:

"I have a crush on a co-worker; we've been out three times; I wish he would make a move, but he hasn't yet. I'm impatient; I feel like saying 'either you want it or you don't'". 

I'm in the same position, with a co-worker (he's not married); we've been out 3 times (plus a "fourth", if you count me-picking-him-up-at-the-airport-last-night and giving him a ride home); it's "just friends" so far, yet we each "light up" and are delighted to see each other, both at work (hugging right in front of the boss!) and in our private get-togethers. So yes, there's "energy here", between he and I. Not a bad place to be, as you said! It's yummy. 

And Yes, it would be "ok", professionally, if he and I were Together; so that's *not* a barrier. But - true - as you said to that woman, he might be "thinking about it"/ going slow, because we do work together-- which makes me trust him even more (as you said). 

So I'm trying to let it unfold slowly; I'm working on being patient. I feel so ready for a partner, and yet I know that you/The Course said, "Don't be attached to any specific outcome". So I try to just stay in a grateful, humble place, when I'm with him (like last night, when I picked him up at the airport, and had him in my car for a solid 40-minute drive to his house). Trying to stay in the present, be grateful for the joy he elicits within me; no attachment to outcome. Letting him make the moves; not texting him "just because I want to". Not the sugar rush, but instead, hopefully, the longer-haul more-sustainable long-burning fire of devotion and shared intentions and walking each other To God.

But: herein lies my question-- I feel SO MUCH energy, between "us", and "in my body",  when I'm with him - and even when I just think about him. It's such a delight, to be near him; we laugh, we are easy, we are caring, he is considerate and kind and sweet. Something about 'him' is clearly already 'healing me'. What a gift!

And I HEARD YOU give that woman a prayer , a practice to apply: Dear God, may I only have appetites that serve the situation; may he..." And "Dear God, I surrender this relationship to YOUR divine unfolding, to YOUR divine Plan - rather than mine/my ego's. I surrender it all to you". Which I am saying now, several times a day. Especially after the "electricity" and warmth of being with him last night (airport pickup). 

I give it up, I give it up, I give it up.

And, as you also said: Dear God, you KNOW that in this area of 'romance' and 'affection', that I am the most neurotic- so please help me, show me, use me. Please help me be more calm, more stable, less needy/clingy, less excited (?), when I'm with him". Where would you have me go, what would you have me do/say, and WHOM would you have me LOVE?" [my addition, obviously]. 

But. BUT--- The big difference between myself and said audience lady is that there is a rather significant age-difference in my situation. He's 29 to my 46. And I don't KNOW if he knows exactly how old I am. Maybe he asked a co-worker? Or maybe he thinks I'm 35, which is what most people think when they meet me. He looks 35, I look 35. Yet there's an age gap, on paper...

Personally, I don't find the age thing a barrier: love is love.  And it's pretty rare/special to HAVE that energy between you (as you said!). So I'm all kinds of willing to *go* for it. I have a very courageous nature, and have taken many a risk for love.

But I don't know how HE will feel, once he knows exactly how much older I am. And I don't in fact KNOW, if he's interested in me, romantically. Maybe I'm just a new friend who's super-fun to be with?

My question: what do I DO, while I'm "waiting for him to call". [I'm trying to stay in my feminine here: take bubble baths, let him initiate, don't text him first, don't be TOO available. This is new for me [to not just impulsively text him whenever I feel like it]; but I'm finally getting it, about how much better and more appropriate/effective/sexy/alluring it is, when the man is allowed the space in which to contemplate how he feels, and then 

'hunt' or 'chase'. I've studied David Deida a bit, so I have a basic comprehension of this "let the masculine BE in its masculine! Wait for it!"

In fact, his name in my phone isn't his actual name; rather, it's "Wait For It". To remind me to slow down, before I reactively text him back. Ha!

So what do I DO, with all the energy that's running in my body, after seeing him last night, and the other sweet memories from when we've interacted. 

What do I do, instead of compulsively needing to express it (text him, grab him, tell him how wonderful I think he is). How do I replace the white-sugar-response, with one that's more sustainable/ mysterious/ intriguing/ build-a-solid-foundation?

I know you're going to say "Surrender it to God"-- with which I'm totally down. I give it up, regularly. Like every 10 minutes at this point!

But there's STILL some thought-forms that scream loudly for satisfaction, for quick fulfillment: the not-knowing if he's attracted to me (it's just huggy-friends right now);  the not-knowing if he would consider BEING with a woman who is pretty much a 'cougar' to his cub, as they say;", in terms of woman in their 40s who date younger men. I DON'T want to be his "Mother". (!) Yet I feel strongly like I want to take care of him, to support him in becoming his fullest, richest, most divinely developed self. And I love the way he truly "focuses on me", when he's with me. Seems pretty mature and attentive.

So what do I do, during those hours in between hearing from him? Besides the bubble baths that you have recommended?What do I *say* to myself, to be "careful" about not getting my heart broken ((fear that he will eventually tell me he's "not interested in me THAT way")). I have a pretty open heart, and am a big risk-taker as I mentioned; yet I also know how costly and arduous it is, to have to *recover* from a love that ends. I'm trying to remember how you said to that audience-woman, "Stay in your feminine, and if he's NOT IT, then another one will show up". I'm trying to stay somewhat detached. Hard.

So how do I "balance" the two: letting myself be washed over by the love/joy/playfulness/

healing that takes place inside me when I'm with him, vs holding back a little bit because he might not be into me that way and I don't really want to have to recover from an ending/disappointment

yet again. I wish now for a partnership that is truly sustainable; yet how do you ask God for that, with you're not supposed to wish for specific outcomes?

Thank you and blessings!

Sitting On the Idea of Meditating?

A dear friend and I were talking on the phone, recently.

About God, and about finding God.

She said something uber-profound to me, which changed my whole game, in terms of that whole sit-still-and-meditate thing.

I was talking about my new idea of finally starting a morning meditation ritual -- and she commented that I would probably love it, "because I'm so sensitive".

Well.

I took that to mean : that because I'm so sensitive, I would actually find my meditation time/quiet-time-with-God, as actually nurturing. Nurturing and nourishing. That I would benefit from it.

Which is profound!!

Because I have been resisting the concept of "sitting still", (because I'm hyper? Because I've been caught up in the fear-based ego-mind? Because I'm stubborn? Because I tend to prefer "activity" over "stillness"?) Yes, yes and yes.

So when I interpreted what she said as "I might actually LOVE IT, I might enjoy it"--that it would feel GOOD to me, rather than simply being one more chore added to my own internal chore wheel, my previous notions about having a dedicated meditation/prayer time ritual all melted away. And I started embracing the idea of sitting still, sitting quietly, as a way to feed myself. As a way to feed my soul.

And so I started sitting, quietly, in the morning upon waking, for just 5 minutes. I even set a timer, to help with the idea of being 'successful'.

And ya know what? I love it!

I feel so nurtured by those 5 minutes. I like the 5- minute idea, because I can manage that.

And even Marianne Williamson says that just 5 minutes each morning can cleanse us of yesterday's thinking, yesterday's limitations, and thereby free us to enter this new day with a fresh spirit and a clean mind.


Now (thanks to my dear friend putting such a different spin on it), I see it like getting an IV Injection of the Holy Spirit! As in,, of COURSE I would wanna sit in that chair, and drink in that "dose" of God. Of Godliness. And practice my (humble) beginnings, in this meditation practice.

So I'm working on it. And I feel much more stoked, much more excited by the idea of a daily meditation /prayer practice--- which I have never felt before.

Thanks to a good friend to say precisely the right words, to get me to see it completely differently.

Before, daily meditation and prayer felt like a chore; another "have to".

Now, it feels to me like, "Why WOULDN'T I want to do this? Get this injection and connection from God?!"

Now I'm hungry for this nourishment. And willing to sit still for it.

Simply, Support.

The idea is simple. As is the format:

Anytime you look at the clock and notice that it's 11:11, you either Send or Receive. Your choice: Send, or Receive. Period. 

No fee, no cost, no class to attend. It's simply about supporting your fellow human, by Sending [support];  or about BEING supported, by Receiving [Support energy]. At 11:11. Morning or night, either 11:11 counts. 

When you see that the clock says 11:11, you choose to Send or to Receive. Which feels appropriate for you right now? Both are totally acceptable. And both are needed, in this community /shared model. 

If the clock says 11:11 and you know you're "Strong" (in a strong place in your life), then you Send. 

If the clock says 11:11 and you're more of a man-down/ less-empowered /kinda need some help kinda place, then you're a Receiver. Period. Either or, and roles can and will shift; just pick, for right now: one-up, or one-down. Sender? Or Receiver? Are to able to GIVE right now (Send); or do you need to gain support (Receiver)? You're either choosing to be a Sender of Support, or a Receiver of Support. 

So you pick whichever place you're at, easy peasy, quick decision. 

So what does it look like, to Send "Support"? Myriad options! ... prayers to Jesus, prayers to The Divine, thoughts of warmth and healing, good vibes, aloha, chanting to your favorite Hindu goddess, calling on the One, channeling Ra, playing your favorite bumpin' dance tune that lifts you up, whatever-- it doesn't matter. This is inter-denominational and works across all flavors of Faith. It's simply about "supporting each other", our fellow humans, whilst they each navigate their own unique path of experience. Of pain. Of loss. Of grief. Of transition. Of uncertainty. Of fear. They're in fear, we were once in fear, so it goes. As the wheel turns. It might be "me" who needs Support someday, so while I'm feeling pretty good, I can at least Send out "Support" right now. At this 11:11 moment. 

This simple format is a way to Support each other, easily and effectively!

... You won't know *who* needs to Receive your Support vibes, when you Send. But it doesn't matter; it will still work. 'Cuz we're all just energy, right?  

And, conversely, you won't know *whom* is Sending you that beautiful "Support" energy, when you tap in at 11:11 and Receive. Yet it still works. We make this "The 11:11 Network". Yeah?

What I am proposing here is a perpetual wheel of support; the community, giving and receiving, interchangeably, as needed. One for all and all for one. And it only takes 30 seconds (or up to 3 minutes) of your time, your focus, when you see that 11:11 on your clock.

So if you're having a particularly good day, and you want to "contribute" to the raising-of-vibration for your fellow human, then you will notice the 11:11 on your clock, and Send! [Send out "supportive vibes"].

And if you're having a particularly challenging day, then you will know that when you see the 11:11 on your timepiece, that there IS support for you, coming your way across the airwaves. 

--Note: What Do I Send?--

Simple! You don't have to know "what to send". You don't have to know "what is the exact right thing for this person or that person to receive". You don't *have to* figure out the Solution To Their Problem. Therefore, the weight is lifted off of *you*; that's NOT your job! (Phew! What a relief!)

All you need do is Send "Healing Thoughts", or "Good Vibes". Or "Aloha". Or the way you feel when you hear your favorite song. Just hold the Intention that "whatever is most needed and most useful to that person's healing and higher self, that's what I'm'a sendin'". Easy peasy! 

And someday down the road, you may "switch roles"; you might feel strong enough to be a "Sender" now, and so you Send out good energy to whomever is in need, when you see that magical 11:11 on your timepiece. But something in your life might change, and suddenly you find yourself in the "I need to RECEIVE" mode! Then you tap in, at that same magical 11:11 moment, and Receive. Knowing that SOMEbody is "out there", sending you good vibes. 

In this way, it works for all of us. Today I'm a Sender, but tomorrow I might need to be a Receiver. Back and forth, the circle of community. 

*****************

No signups, no cost. And nobody has to know if you're a-givin' or a-takin' right now. It's all just a simple, beautiful, perpetual wheel of give-and-receive, help-and-be-helped. So it works for *every*body who comes on board, be they Senders or Receivers.

Hope you like this new platform! Sign up (energetically only!) for this new, potentially-amazing support wheel. Just notice those magical 11:11 moments, in your own time zone, and then choose: Send, or Receive? Which one feels Right to me, in this moment? 

Ah. Magic. 

Warmly,

Tina

You Were My Guy

You were my guy. Mine. Nobody else's.

And I was willing to keep showing up for you, for us. I was so proud to think of you as my guy, to tell everybody that you were My Guy.

I was willing to keep that faith that we were together for a greater good; for something bigger than either one of us could ever do alone. To serve the higher purpose.

I was willing to work on it. Even when things looked rough.

I saw the age showing in your grey hair and your furrowed brow lines, and I didn't care. 

I saw how your back hurt, and I didn't stop loving you.

I saw how you needed things at home to be a certain way, and I didn't care.

I saw your limitations, yet I never thought that they would become ours. That they would stop us.

And I saw the distance between us, emotionally, yet I was willing to stick it out. To try to find a common language between us, for when things got tough, or annoying, or confusing. To talk it out, or call a time-out, or whatever it would take, to still be a couple when the sun rose again.

I even slept in a different room, without you - missing you- in case it would help.

I wanted to stick it out through *all* of that. I was in it for the long haul.

Committed to something greater; committed to that third entity, that triangle, that THING that is created /is available /is generated, when two people come together, in love. And in service to the greater good.

And, I believed you. 

I believed you when you said you were ready; I believed you when you said that I was the one you would keep "for the next 80 years". 

I put up with your poor communication skills, with your passive-aggressive shenanigans. I tolerated your mixed messages and your ill treatment of me. Your projections and your fault-finding and your criticism.

 Because I loved you. I really loved you. Never before have I felt this type of all-encompassing love, this much pardon. This much expanse.

I saw the highest in you. I saw the most golden, the most shiny, the most beautiful version of you. Even when we went to bed at odds, I held to that shinier, more beautiful image I had.

Several times, I saw your heart- at its tenderest. And knew that it was good. And pure. I saw you shed tears of vulnerability. I heard you speak rare words of true authenticity.  I knew that I was witnessing something most haven't. It was special. And I cherished it.

I saw your tenderness, and your fears. I heard your shame, your inadequacy. And yet even with that, I not only stayed, but found myself wanting to find ways to love you even more, for it.

I wanted to fix everything for you. I wanted to take the discrepancies and grievances from your childhood and wave my magic wand and make them go away. 

I wanted to be there for you when you came home, when you left home, when you were home. All of it. I was ready for all of it.

To give myself to all of it; to commit to you and us and this thing we had and even to this place. 

I watched you while you fell asleep, and even with your big ears and your funny, crooked nose, I still wanted to envelope you with my love. I wanted to wrap you in a blanket of safety, and promise you that you would always be home, in my arms. I looked at you while you slept, and contemplated how I could love you more, the next day.

I wanted to give you everything that I, too, desire - that ultimate trust, that safe haven in a storm, that solid place upon which to rest your head when life treated you badly or even when it was fine.

I tried, oh god I tried. 

But despite your promises and your fancy romantic offerings  in the beginning, you couldn't do it. You weren't there for me. For us. For this beautiful thing we had.

After a while, you just disappeared on me. You just checked out. 

{sigh}

I thought we had everything.

Now we have nothing. 

Closure

Closure is a funny thing. 

At first glance, it seems like something we can achieve *only if* the other person is present; if they are there, at the table, telling us to our face why they did what they did, explaining how they feel. So if I can't talk with them in person, there is no closure. Right?

...That Person who wronged us, or blamed us, or left us.

Yet if we take a second look, we find that perhaps we can execute this 'closure' thing totally on our own. Because surely they can't or won't always be able to be present. What if they passed away? Or what if they are now living so far away that we are guaranteed to never see them again? Or we just know that they won't respond and say yes to a final, affirming (and thereby healing) conversation? That they simply don't have the capacity to show up?

Thankfully, there are practices - methods - for achieving closure all unto one's self. Without requiring the physical presence of The Other Person.

Ways through which we can achieve resolution, regardless of the other person's absence.

We can take several tacks to approach and attain full closure on our own. For example:

**we can write a letter to That Person expressing how we feel and stating what we would have said, if given just one more chance to say it. At least this way, we have expressed it- we have moved it *out* of our physical body and on to the paper, to be released;

**we can dance around the living room to all those songs that remind us of 'them', dancing freely and openly, with all our anger and all our love- and stomp out our final messages to the driving rhythms of the music;

**we can sing a prayer up to the heavens, asking for grace to enter us and help us understand why they did it, and to help us eventually forgive them; using our voice to ask our own sweet higher soul to ease our path so that we can get-used-to-being-without-them; perhaps even until we are moved to the point of tears. And can begin to hold a softer, more compassionate stance towards them, thereby alleviating some of our pain;

**we can journal, we can scream, we can paint or otherwise find ways to articulate the precise message that would nourish us, had it been spoken by That Other Person. Those magic words we so long to hear.

What would we say? What would we scream at them, if given the chance? What would we ask for, or declare, in our unrestricted honesty?

So that we can finally move forward from that last heart-felt (and possibly painful) chapter of our life and into the next chapter, without them in the picture.

Funny thing is, {clearing my throat}, I know all of this schtuff. I am aware of these alternative methods of gaining that oh-so-precious feeling of completion - even when the other person won't or can't show up. I have taken WHOLE WORKSHOPS in this! Ha.

Joke's on me.

'Cuz here I am, late-night, finding myself giving in to sending 'him' a text, asking to get together "for the sake of CLOSURE."

{insert dramatic drum beat}. 

Why would I DO that? Why on EARTH would I text him and request to see him? When the way he ended our relationship was soooo completely below-the-belt, his words rife with judgment and criticism of me? Blame, shame and every other type of projection showed up. Why the H*LL would I even want to contact him again?

Because. 

{sigh}.

Here are the reasons I've come up with, in these last few minutes since sending him that oh-so-vulnerable text message, as to the possible motivations for why I sent that text. When I knew, as I hit the Send button, that it would be an epic fail on my part. That he would *not* respond.

(1) because I don't want it to be over. 

[Seriously, I KNOW that it is over, and that it needs to be over - that we are no longer a match and that I should just move on. But I'm being really honest here, so I gotta ask myself: what if I DO have some 

deeply-buried subconscious voice that still wants to cling to the past, that doesn't want to let him/Us go?, despite the obvious misalignment of our priorities and values?];

(2) because I'm friggin' stubborn as all get-out, and that rather intense part of me is stomping my feet and declaring that I will GET MY CLOSURE with you, damnit!;

(3) because in my heart of hearts I knew before I hit the Send button that he will *not* reply, that I'm barking up the wrong tree. A Challenge: will you dare to show up for a final conversation with me? Me, the person to whom you used to say "I love you"? The one to whom you made many sweet promises? 

Or are you chicken shit. 

{throwing down the glove}. What say you now, Oh Silent One? 

Because the person who *would* be willing to show up and have an honest conversation to 'close' things, is the same person who would have chosen to stay with the relationship in the first place.

To face their fears (and mine), together. To meet me and meet himself and be part of that 'Us' thing together, with a lot of willingness and a little courage. THAT person would be willing to have regular talks about what's going on between us just like they would be willing to have an uber-transparent talk now, about our ending.

So I'm beating a dead horse. (Obviously). 'Cuz if he couldn't show up before, while we were together, he certainly can't show up now. 

{sigh}. 

I guess I need to go "do" my own closure, now. À la previously-mentioned methods. Because he's not gonna reply to my message.

Good thing I know how!

***

There's Healthy Boundaries, and then There's Love.

I thought I knew all about healthy boundaries. I thought I knew where to draw the line as to how I will be treated vs. how I *won't* be treated. I wasn't gonna settle anymore! Yay, me!

Right?

I studied co-dependence. I studied 'healthy, conscious relationships'. I worked eagerly on healing the co-dependent tendencies in me. I did my homework; I read all the books ... about 'being enmeshed' in relationship (yuk!), vs. being in a 'good, healthy, conscious partnership' (yay!). I learned how to discern when it was "my stuff" coming up, vs. "your stuff", coming up. To not take it so personally. 

And not just for myself! For others, too. I got so talented at advocating for "healthy boundaries" with my life-coaching clients and with my good friends that I became pretty well-known for holding such a clear line. For my clarity: 

"Get out! Leave this relationship, now! You deserve better!" was my battle cry. And I proclaimed it with everyone. 

So proud of myself, I was, for how far I had come, given the typically codependent relationships I witnessed in my adult years. Pat myself on the back! 

And I wanted all my cherished friends to *also* proclaim such clear boundaries, for their own sakes.

But then I fell in love. Deeply, devotedly, in love. {sigh}.

And in the blink of an eye, my alleged "standards" about 'what I would put up with', - what level of bad behavior I was willing to tolerate, - and what I wasn't, shifted. Dramatically.

I had seen things as 'so black-'n-white', before. But now it started to dawn on me that there are several shades of grey, in between.

Because love - LOVE - that irrefutable, inimitable force, showed up in my life. And you can't help who you love, as they say. Nope - ya can't.

So, despite all previous training, despite any experience I'd had with keeping myself 'safe' and independent, I just LOVED. With all my heart. With all my soul. I gave it everything. Boundaries, be gone!

Suddenly my feeble attempts at self-protection no longer mattered. This thing, this partnership - this amazing and interesting and handsome person in front of me -suddenly mattered way more to me than any previous model at maintaining my highly-coveted independence. Love, and loving him, and serving 'Us', became more important than keeping myself safe. I was willing to face whatever being-in-love brought to the surface.  And face it together!

So, I went for it. I moved in. To his house. And tolerated extreme discomfort. To say the least! 

I let myself experience the whole gamut of "triggers", of fight-or-flight activations:  "I'm not good enough" came up for me, along with "What's wrong with me that I'm not lovable?" What had happened, what had changed, since our magical auspicious beginnings?

Ugh! Ever been there? (Rolling my eyes). 

LOVE itself was now demanding a higher accountability of me. It didn't care that I wanted to stay safe, nor independent, nor free. 

It wanted me - begged me, in fact - to shift my perspective: to see what it meant to remain constant in my love, despite being on the receiving end of 'bad behavior', like when his shadow-side reared its ugly head; when his fears got the best of him - despite his big, wonderful heart that I knew lie underneath these behaviors - and blamed me disproportionately for the glitches in our relationship.

I found myself on the receiving end of his criticism and fault-finding. Ouch! Could I remain devoted, in the face of such harshness? Despite it? Yikes!!

Could I remain devoted to him and to this magical beautiful 'Us' for a bigger reason? For a higher, more divine experience? Much like Rumi, with his undying devotion to The Beloved. This person, this Beloved, was now in my life to teach me that sometimes there is something deeper going on, despite my little human self and my little human fears. Even when I couldn't see it; even when it didn't fit my afore-to-ascribed boundaries. Even when it seemed hurtful. Could I just STAY? And be present, with the triggers, with the fears, with the difficult parts? Could I just keep breathing, and face it? And not turn away?

So - in a nutshell- I have recognized that Love weaves a "horizontal" line in our lives, like a thread in a beautiful tapestry; it presents a certain steadfastedness, a constancy. An unwavering thread, (from left-to-right is how I see it), rather than the more 'vertical' connection to above-and-below. That's easy, that spiritual thing; connecting 'up', connecting with God. Check.

...but the human connection? The grounded, practical, real life, mundane, day-to-day, living-together, horizontal thing? That's harder. More personal. More in-your-face.

The good news from this is what I learned: that I do, indeed, *want* that thread. That love. That constancy. 

That connection that remains strong and doesn't waver, despite any daily missteps and miscommunications. 

I want that sense of knowing that whatever 'we' go through, day in and day out, up/down/

up/down, is all just serving a grander scheme, a bigger, broader purpose. That our dedication to each other is not just about the two of us, one-plus-one-equals-two... but rather, is part of weaving a bigger tapestry that is more than the sum of its parts. To keep weaving that thread, to continue to serve something greater than just the two of us: the Divine. 

An idea by which I am both humbled and inspired.

So, forget those black-n-white boundaries to which I had previously held! I'd rather have the long-term constancy of dedicated Love - even with the effort that such dedication requires, even with the journey into dark places to which it may take Us - because I want to serve Love. I'm ready. 

Are you ready? 

It doesn't require that you are 'perfect', nor 'done', with your work on yourself; it just requires that you are (1) willing and (2) courageous. Willing and courageous enough to face it. Face it all. 

You're either in, or you're out.

I'm in.

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